“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

A senior in-house attorney, who we’ll call Melissa for confidentiality, was frustrated.

At the end of her workday, she received an email from her boss letting her know she’d be presenting at a board meeting the next day at 6am PST. Melissa works remotely from California and the company is based on the East Coast.

Her boss didn’t tell her how to prepare or what to expect. Just a last-minute expectation to be ready to speak to stakeholders she’d never met.

Her initial reaction was anger, frustration, and a sense of being disrespected.

That night, she pulled together a slide deck based on what she guessed the board might want to know. She barely slept. The next morning, the board members asked questions she wasn’t prepared to answer.

By the time we met for coaching that week, her inner dialogue had spiraled: “Is she setting me up to fail? Does she even value me? Is she trying to get me to quit?”

To move from blame to clarity and repair the working relationship, we turned to a powerful tool: Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

The Four Steps of NVC and How They Helped Melissa

NVC is a communication framework developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It helps us understand what’s driving our emotions, so we can respond with clarity, compassion, and effectiveness. Here’s how it helped Melissa:

1. Observation: We began by stating the facts without interpretation or judgment: Melissa was asked to present at a 6am board meeting with no advance notice or context.

2. Feeling: She named what she was feeling: angry, frustrated, and confused. Identifying her emotions helped her step out of reactivity and into reflection.

3. Need: Underneath her frustration were unmet needs: for respect, preparation, communication, and consideration.

4. Request: Together, we crafted a clear and respectful request. Melissa asked her boss to give her more lead time before board presentations and to outline her expected role ahead of time.

The result? A constructive, calm conversation. Her boss listened and agreed to be more proactive in the future. What could have been a lasting rupture instead became a moment of growth and mutual respect.

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Takeaway: How NVC Can Support You at Work

When we experience strong emotions, it’s often because a core need isn’t being met. But we’re not taught how to pause and ask: What am I needing right now? Instead, we tend to spin mental stories or react in ways that escalate conflict.

NVC helps you:

• Clarify the true source of your emotions
• Separate story from fact
• Identify your unmet needs
• Decide how best to meet them, either through self-action or by making a thoughtful request

This process shortens the time we stay stuck in negative emotions. It leads to clearer communication, less workplace drama, and more fulfilling professional relationships.

The next time you’re feeling frustrated at work, try this:

1. Name the facts (without interpretation).
2. Acknowledge what you’re feeling.
3. Explore what need is unmet.
4. Consider what request could help meet that need.

If you choose to communicate the request, use “I” language. For example:

“I felt frustrated when you asked me to present the night before the early board meeting. I value clear communication and having time to prepare so I can do my job well. Would you be willing to give me advance notice in the future and let me know what to expect?”

Even if you choose not to communicate your request, knowing the source of your feelings (your unmet needs) can provide clarity about what’s important to you, and you can use this information to guide your choices in the future.

What might shift if you approached workplace conflict this way?

I’d love to hear.